It’s Thirsty Thursday, and you know what that means: It’s time to drink some water or juice or milk (blast from the past wink wink am I right ladies).
I’m sitting here in my dorm window seat, staring out at the fog-shrouded mountain-hills in the distance and thinking about how this weather is inspiring me to write a scream0-bluegrass song. Think Mumford meets Metallica. I’m also thinking about my caffeine addiction.
My caffeine addiction. Let’s discuss it. It’s not really an addiction, I don’t think, but it totally is. For sure. Growing up on Long Island, I never really drank coffee until my junior year of high school. My Long Island roots really have nothing to do with it, but I thought it made a nice opener for the sentence, a dependent clause, if you will. Anyway, I would drive to school every day, about a 20 minute drive three towns (My hometown, Rockville Centre, then Hempstead, then Garden City, then Mineola) north on the Island, and I’d stop at a Starbucks in Garden City, and get a coffee drink to get me through until around six in the evening, when I’d go home. And that one drinky drink got me through the day, and I maintained my healthily neurotic personality Last year, I came here. Best decision of my life, by the way. Where else on Earth can you walk around with painted nails and artsy face paint while being dressed like a lax bro and not be judged by anyone? I’ll tell you where: other small liberal arts colleges. But none are like Skidmore because I go here and you can’t get the Kevin Berry Experience at Bennington or Wheaton. Anyway, I came here and realized I love coffee more than anyone else I know except for my friend in Brazil who is a tribal leader and brews special coffee that makes your skin shine like a million diamonds in the sun and I just made a Twilight reference and made up a friend in the same sentence. I have friends, I swear. Anyhoo, I love coffee and it was and remains just so so accessible. It’s staring you down as you exit d-hall or as you pass through Case, sometimes I wish I was blind so I couldn’t see the supremely tempting coffee. But I’m not a three blind mouse or a Third Eye Blind, and I’m happy I have sight. And due to the coffee’s accessibility, I started drinking a lot more of it than I normally would. I have even heard myself say that, “I need my coffee fix.” I sound like a crack addict sometimes. Crack is whack though. Stay away from it, kids. Then I went home for the summer and had coffee every day, usually one espresso drink was strong enough. Then I started working at my job and the coffee there was #awful. And when I say #awful I mean #aw #ful. So I stopped drinking coffee and picked up coke. And by coke I mean Coca-Cola. Not cocaine. Cocaine equals yo’ pain. Stay away from it, kids. But actually don’t do cocaine. So I became a soda drinker again. Ugh. Yoda says no soda. Stay away from it, kids. And then I came back to school missing coffee hardcore. And then I found out that the new coffee company on campus is even better than #GreenMountainCoffee. And I always wanted to drink it. I love coffee. And the combo of me drinking soda and coffee led to my caffeine addiction. Until yesterday, I’m talking about 6 cups of coffee a day plus some soda. I’M THE WORST. I became dependent on coffee and soda to keep me up long enough to do my work and when I didn’t get enough sleep, to make up for the lack of sleep. But now I’m changing all of that.
So Skidmore U, I won’t let you down. I’m gonna turn my life around. My caffeine addiction was so not right, but my new plan is dynamite. This is going to get into better shape, calm me down a little but only a tiny little bit, and help me not be dependent on caffeine.
Kevin’s New Plan
1. No more second plates of food at d-hall. I rarely do this anyway, but still. Health, am I right?
2. No more soda. Ever. It’s awful.
3. No more cookies at lunch. Again, with the health.
4. No more late night. In d-hall, every night, there is a festival of fried food called Late Night. Health again.
5. No pizza except on Friday nights. Family tradition at home, Friday night pizza.
6. No more not doing the distance I set out to run on the treadmill. Don’t give up baby, you can do it.
7. Only three cups of coffee a day. For now. Eventually two, and then one. I like coffee too much to totally give it up.
So yesterday, I only had one cup of coffee. One caffeinated beverage. Not the way to do it. It felt like my brain was pulling my skull into itself and then the brain-skull mess would seductively slink down my spinal cord and into my colon and then I’d just poo it out. I didn’t know I was pregnant. TMI. I won’t even question it (like TMI?). I simply assert its inherent TMIness.
There’s nothing I hate more than looking like I did yesterday. Bags under my eyes, badly combed hair, unshaven face. I looked like a homeless man who’d just climbed though a dumpster looking for a diaper he could smoke or something weird that homeless people do. They smoke diapers, right?
Measure in Love,
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